What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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