I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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