found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
