Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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