you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
