i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
