Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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