I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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