I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This baby is an asshole
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
