Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
