And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
