you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
