I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
