Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
