If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
