My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
