i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
