is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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