she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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