So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
