So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
