I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
