a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
