if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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