Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
