I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
