so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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