I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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