We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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