im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
