hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
