is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
