remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
