When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
