so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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