I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
