you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
