I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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