My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
