I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
