Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
