my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
