its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
