The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my being single is dangerous.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
