my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
