I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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