No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
