I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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