I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
