In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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