I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
