I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
