why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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