god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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