Got a toothbrush?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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