You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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