Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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