over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
