I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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