Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
