the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
