Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
