$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You left your phone here
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