I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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