He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
